Have you ever had a friend come to a point in their life where they feel there is nothing left to live for, that if they are not living for someone else, there is nothing to keep them going? There are two separate people in my life going through this very thing right now.
Over the years I have had many friends who have lost their will to live. I have even had a few friends, one a close friend, end his life. Usually it is a relationship breakup which causes my friends to lose desires and wish for an instant end to their unbearable pain. As a friend, the only thing I have ever known how to do is to try to keep them distracted and inspired while letting time do its healing thing.
Several years ago, a close friend of mine just gave up on life. He called me at 4am hoping to make some kind of connection. I talked him down. Brought him some peace with my words and hopeful optimism. I will never forget his voice when he said:
"Gina, I am 31 years old, I will never find love like this again."
He promised to call me if he ever got so low again as to consider ending his life. Three months or so later I got an email from his brother inviting me to my friends memorial. My friend, his name is/was Dave by the way, had called me a few times that month. I was busy with a new relationship myself and had not returned his calls. Imagine if you dare, how I felt when I heard the news.
Yes, I know it wasn't my fault. No, I will never get over it or forgive myself for not being there for him. He needed someone to save him as we all do from time to time. I know it is unhealthy and co-dependent to rely on our friends to be a life line but... Humans need humans. And we need love. Take that essential away and we lose touch with reality. We lose touch in general.
I will blog more on reality, my concepts of it, dreams and also about loneliness and hope. Sometimes I think it is our illusions that keep us going. Sure, if life is the game, staying alive would be one way to win it. I decided a lifetime ago that my ultimate goal in life was to enjoy myself and be happy. Ignorance may be bliss but it is an arduous task to forget all that you have learned to find that bliss. I might even say impossible.
For instance, first love. Most of us do not marry and stay forever with our first love. How do we recover from this? How do we go on? We trick ourselves. We tell ourselves that the new love somehow replaces or is better than the first love. That this time things will be different. Love is love is love is love. Is it the tricks we play on ourselves that keep us going? Is love anything more than a culmination of chemicals in our blood stream that continually motivate us?
Right now teenagers (really people of all ages) are so wrapped up in the story of "Twilight". Seriously, that book,the first one at least, causes people to remember what falling in love felt like. It feels like love! And those characters don't do anything but talk about their love for each other. We, the readers, don't have a clue what that love is based on. This silly children's book pleads the case that love (especially if you can feel like you are falling for it from reading a book) is nothing more than timing and chemicals. That it has very little to do with some greater truth. And yet it kills a million hearts every moment. Is love just a chemical to keep us procreating and continuing our species and nothing more?
I want to know your thoughts, even if they don't seem totally on topic with this blog.
Reality, such an easy word to throw around but not a simple word to define. Readers, that is if I have any left after not blogging for so long and after this mostly non-cohesive post. Please answer a few questions for me.
What keeps you going. When you wake up in the morning, what is it that gets you out of bed? Why?
Have you ever lost everything? What kept you from ending your life? Was it a friend, a family member, your faith, your pet or was it something else?
I value input from anyone who comes across this blog. I believe we are all fellow travelers on this often confusing adventure of life.
Gina
