I'm the same person who wrote my previous blog entries, yet I've undergone significant personal growth and my perspective and voice have evolved.
I believe I stopped blogging to instead utilize social media to express myself. I could share my thoughts and feelings with friends to process my emotions and connect with others struggling with similar issues. By articulating my thoughts and offering words of encouragement, I'd often find solutions to my own problems.
As time went on, life felt overwhelming, complex, and fragile, prompting me to narrow my social circle and limit my online interactions to a very select few. I curated a small group of trusted friends and acquaintances yet no one was truly privy to my innermost thoughts.
I felt like I had to fill many roles and could only be myself in one of them. I maintained distinct personas for different aspects of my life: a professional persona, a family persona, and a more authentic persona with friends outside my family that enjoyed activities like dancing, live music, and travel.
But there was another side to me – an exceptionally self-critical one. When I failed to meet my own expectations, I'd impose harsh consequences on myself.
Without going into too much detail I'll share that one thing I would do was to not allow myself to have hobbies or interests outside of work. For instance, in 2015, I was taking guitar lessons and finding it fulfilling. However, when I fell behind on my business taxes, I punished myself by discontinuing the lessons that I loved. This self-imposed penalty was just one example of how I'd deprive myself when I didn't meet my own standards. Over time, my only remaining "hobby" became watching TV shows, as it was always available and impossible to completely avoid even if I tried. As a person with so many passions and interests it felt like the cruelest thing I could do to myself.
I don't do this to myself anymore though and I didn't recognize the pattern of self-punishment at the time; I was focused on becoming the person I aspired to be.
When I was giving myself those types of consequences it felt healthier then the way I had been coping before. Earlier on, I had hit a low point in my life. I created a fantasy world on Myspace's Yoville and made avatars for the people I was closest to. In Yoville, they treated me with love and appreciation that I didn't get in reality.
I'd designed a perfect family life and engaged in activities there with my loved ones. This virtual escape became a coping mechanism for the stress and challenges I experienced in my real-life relationship.
In this digital realm, I'd create scenarios where my partner's avatar would help me with household chores and offer me flowers. When my real life partner would mistreat me, his Avatar could be the one to take accountability for his actions and apologize or show me affection which wasn't reflective of our real-life dynamic.
I knew this couldn't be healthy and that I probably needed to change my relationship dynamics but I feared the consequences. When I thought of leaving the relationship I'd become overwhelmed remembering my past experiences with custody battles and the reality of my current partner's comments about their potential response to a breakup. I just couldn't follow through on change.
Yoville became my sanctuary, but I recognized that it wasn't a solution. I eventually removed myself from the platform, and instead, I turned to self-imposed consequences to stay on track. I felt real life grief for that wonderful partner -who cared about my feelings- that I'd left behind in our cute little condo in Yoville. It was at this point that I began to come up with consequences to motivate me instead of using coping mechanisms.
15 years have now passed since I deleted that program. I did succeed in building up a successful business for 10 years though unfortunately the pandemic had a profound impact on my business as well as my health, presenting new challenges that I'm still navigating.
As I stand at this current crossroads, I recognize the need to prioritize self-care and adopt a more compassionate approach then my previous consequence driven motivation style.
I'm also considering significant life changes, including exploring new career opportunities beyond my current odd jobs with hospice and rideshare driving, where I've been taking on various tasks without achieving the financial stability I desire.
While some aspects of my current life have shown great improvement, I have major changes in my future and I'm not sure I know how to handle them yet.
I'm eager to share updates on my progress and growth in future posts, should I continue to write here.
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